2014

A new year does not often move me in the way I would expect it to.  To be honest, I've often been too hungover to acknowledge the passing year and don't allow myself time to slow down and reflect on the last year nor plan for coming one.

This year has been slightly different.  On Jan. 1, I felt the hope of a new year.  

As a teacher, I had almost two weeks of break between Dec. 20 and Jan 2, before I had to return to school.  One might think that is plenty of time to relax, refocus, and rejuvenate, but really, Dec. 20- Dec. 27th were dedicated to traveling and spending time with family (= stressful), which left only 5 days of break before heading back to school on Jan. 2 (Jan. 2 really! Who makes these schedules? Why not give us a whole two weeks off and have teachers return on the 6th?).  I had a friend come to town on the 30th, so the 28th and 29th passed quickly with myself making preparations, cleaning, and, yes, stressing a little.  So there I was, Dec. 31st, and still not relaxed - after 11 days of break!  On the 31st, we had a little shindig, and yes, I drank too much and ate too much, but not entirely.  That is to say, when I awoke on Jan. 1, 2014 (to the sounds of a friend cleaning up bottles downstairs), I was able to face the light of the day without throwing up.  The morning was spent hanging out with friends, and I found myself on a long walk with my husband, 2 dogs, and visiting friend.  And as I said before - I felt the hope of a new year.

What does hope feel like?  It's important for me to describe because it was a feeling I don't remember having experienced for a long time, if ever.  It was either hope or utter relaxation, possibly just sheer acceptance of my life and my current situation.  As I walked down Shadyway, I felt was a lightness in my chest which caused me to look up to the sky and acknowledge its presence.  Until that very moment, for years, as far back as I can remember, I had felt a constant weight on my chest - a tightness - whether it were anxiety, depression, fear, denial, obligation, or a combination of the four, on Jan. 1st of this year - that weight was lifted and I was able to exhale and simply feel joy.  It took 12 days of being away from my job to separate myself enough to be able to experience peace, but, finally, this year - after years of just 'hanging in there,' I was able to see my situation for what it is, which is fortunate, for the most part. I am healthy. I have a job. I have friends and a family who love me.  I am in a situation which is not ideal professionally, but I am young, educated, motivated, and personable. I will figure out what I'm supposed to be doing eventually. And even if I don't for a while, I am aware of my situation and not obliviously sinking into the mire of depression. I have hobbies. I have multiple outlets for creative energy.

Unfortunately, the feeling of hope was fleeting.  By the evening of Jan. 1, a slight weight settled back onto my chest. Over the last few days, the burden of work and the obligations of the real word have returned to plague me, but at least I experienced what some people might wake up each day feeling - hope.  

So I put forth now into the world - this will be the year when I seek that feeling of release in whatever ways I can, whether it be finding a new job, returning to school, or simply becoming more aware of my physical being through exercise and a healthy diet.  As for new year's resolutions, I don't believe in them, but I can certainly get behind a rejuvenated attitude and thirst for a fulfilling life.