Adulthood

My husband and I live in a bubble, I admit it.  Our bubble is mostly comprised of the stark division between 'those who watch TV' and 'those who do not watch TV' (ie - us).  But our bubble is insulated by the type of people we surround ourselves with - each layer dividing us farther from the reality of the American populace - level of education, political leaning, religiosity, sexual preference, parenthood, attention to the same types of news sources from which we derive our understanding of the world, etc., etc.  That is all to say, we don't meet with very much adversity in our very little world, aside from refuting students' uninformed, self-conscious blabber all day, which ranges from annoying comments to sexual harassment on a daily basis.

We are continuously amazed, though, by the fact that adulthood is terrible. (See this diagram for more).

For a few months, I tried to hone my personal habits to improve the quality of my life.  This was an experiment I didn't talk about much with my husband, but put for conscientious effort into things like: drink less during the week, go to bed early, go to the gym, don't drink caffeine at night.  After a summer of gluttonous indulgence, I found that I was exhausted during the days - the kind of exhaustion that a warm cuppa joe in the morning doesn't even begin to extinguish; I was too tired to work out after school, and I was too anxious to sleep at night.  Needless to say, only a few days of this living hell caused me to re-prioritize, but here's what I learned:

Drinking less only left me feeling nauseous in the mornings for unrelated reasons (mostly acid reflux, which has plagued me since I was an adolescent); going to bed early did not foster sleep due to the increased anxiety (caused by refraining from alcohol), going to the gym -- OK, so this one does help on a number of levels, but seriously, who likes to go to the gym? and drinking caffeine at night did not seem to affect how much or little sleep I got as much as whether I had a glass of wine or a sleeping pill at night did!

In fact, here's the insight I actually gained from my little experiment - an outcome I had feared and hoped to disprove:

• ALL adults are tired ALL the time!  (If they say they aren't, they're lying!)
• Going to the gym is always awful (but always worth it for the feeling of accomplishment afterward)

That's it!  my experiment did not accomplish anything in terms of motivating me to be a better person; I guess the only thing I succeeded in doing is proving to myself that everyone else in the world is just about as bad off as I am.

So, and this is the second half of living in a bubble - my husband and I are often surprised by how difficult life is.  I mean, last time I went to the DMV, I had to wait for 6 hours - no joke - 6 HOURS - to change my license from an IL license to a KS license.  I also had to have approx. 3 specific pieces of documentation and 2 forms of ID.  And you know how I knew that?  Because I got on the website to check and/or I called ahead before I went because (I thought) I was a genius!  There were apparently 120 other people who had done the exact same things, though, and arrived before me, so I was in line behind them.  Really?  You mean I'm not more prepared and awesome than the rest of society?  We're all just getting by the best we can?  Ludicrous.

At other times, we have prided ourselves in doing our own taxes.  I mean, I have an accordion folder and everything where all tax-related forms are stored all year, so, when it comes time to do taxes in April, I can dump it out and feel awesome because I'm such an uber-organized master of paperwork.  But -- you know what?  Most other people manage to do their taxes and get them in on time, too!

Other items in life that I thought I trounced other people at but turns out I only kind of stay afloat are as follows:
 - Cleaning the house
 - Paying bills
 - Taking care of animals
 - Remembering important dates (ie - birthdays)
 - Completing to-do lists

So as not to lose all faith in myself, though, areas in which I still dominate are:
 - amount of time I spend reading
 - staying in touch with people I care about
 - traveling
 - remaining calm in traffic / tense situations
 - professionalism
 - spelling

What are some things you are surprised other people manage to accomplish that you thought maybe made you better than them, but don't?

Writing on writing

I've begun a challenge -- provoked by Ms. Barbara Abercrombie here, I've begun writing dangerously for 365 days, which is to say that for 5-15 minutes a day, I read an anecdote followed by a quote by a known (sometimes and sometimes not-to-me) author, and then I ruminate on what was said.  Sometimes I respond directly, as when Toni Morrison asks her students to describe their ideal writing space; then I respond by trying to do just that.  But other prompts are less direct.  They are musings on writing from writers.  Like yesterday's page, for example, cited a Samuel Beckett quote that many authors use for inspiration, but I didn't find it very inspirational, so I simply explored the idea of failure and how many pages authors probably write for every 100 that gets published.  (My guess was 1000).

In other news -- and speaking of authors who have been posited as failures or has-beens, J.D. Salinger is supposedly making a come back. I mean, as we all know, he never really fell out of popularity, thanks to pop-culture, emo kids, and pseudo-intellectuals who laud Catcher in the Rye as the greatest piece of literature ever (blasphemy!), but, as has been predicted, he has been working on pieces that are going to be released ~2015-2020.  I wonder if any other canonical writers are hoarding literature from the world?  Morrison?  Marquez?

So the challenge has been fun - a release, like a self-meditation in a way, but I've still not figured out how to 'release my inner writer,' (as apparently 28,500,000 google searches call it).  I'm still looking for a muse.

Any takers?

Ruminations

Today, I am at school.  I have 13 minutes until the students will be released from 1st hour, and a dozen eager 6th graders will pour into my room.

Today, my 6th graders will be testing on laptops, which will be a challenge, as I'm not sure how many of the students have used a laptop before (probably most of them) or how many of them have logged-in to the school computers before.  I will gently guide them through the log-in process, then direct them to the testing website, then guide them through THAT log-in process, then walk them through the directions, and finally, allow them to test: One test is a mere 3 minutes, but takes 5-7 minutes to explain, another is only ten minutes or so, and the final test if 55 minutes long.  It will take us approximately 3 class periods.

(Now I have 11 minutes until 1st hour ends).

There is another test I'm supposed to give the students at this point in the year - a writing test.  Maybe I'll wait until next Friday to do that.  So much testing in so little time.  So little inspiration.

(10 minutes until 1st hour is over).

Today I am feeling anxious.  I woke up tired; I've been sleeping poorly lately because it's so hot upstairs, but also because the draining makes my throat itchy, and the dogs' movement keeps me awake.  I'm still a little tired, sore stomach, and anxious.  Short breaths that don't completely fill my lungs are all I can summon.

(9 minutes...)

I can't get over the feeling that I'm supposed to be doing more with my time -- here at school with a new job, in my day-to-day life with my family and husband, and on this earth.  But what is there to do?  On a small-scale, I should be inserting myself into core Language Arts classes, attending team meetings, and making myself useful to the teams.  All in good time.  It's only the 3rd week of school.  At home, I should be exercising more, cooking meals (how long have I claimed I'm going to cook a meal? I should commit to Thursday - a salad on Thursday), creating something -- artistic: crochet, writing, drawing.  I don't know.  On a larger scale...

(7 minutes)

On a larger scale... I can't figure that out.  Should I go back to school?  Become an administrator?  Become a curriculum leader?  Is education the field I want to be in?  If I really think, whose job do I want?  KB?  KN?  Maybe...  What steps do I need to take to get there?

Another thought I've had is to increase my experience in the field by traveling abroad.  I want to visit the country most of my students are from to feel more connected.  I'd love to do an extended teacher exchange, but for now, will probably have to settle for a 1-2 week vacation or overview of a school.  I should spend more of my home time doing real research on that.

(5 minutes)

Going backwards -- large picture back to small picture...  I'm worried about people I care for, not taking care of themselves.  Should I intervene?  How much good could I do?  How to intervene lovingly?

(4 minutes)

Do all teachers watch the clock like this?  It's an infuriating way to live each day.

Self-Deprication

I found this on a blog today, and I enjoyed it:

"I have many poor qualities—I drink too much, I am callous and indifferent to the feelings of those around me, I am quick to anger and deficient in patience, I have almost no willingness to follow through on anything that requires more than minimal effort and I can't even work up the energy to feel particularly guilty about that, I will instinctively walk curbside when I am traversing the streets with a woman (apparently this is a sexist thing, which, THANKS A LOT MOM), I am petty and gossipy even about people I quite like, I privilege my own sadness much more highly than those who have much better reasons to be depressed, my first instinct is always to be cruel or clever rather than compassionate or concerned, I don't recycle wire hangers because it is a hassle to fit them in the same bag as the bottles and cans..."

Though I don't feel like ALL of the above things are true of myself, I feel like a lot of them are, and, if we're all completely honest with ourselves, aren't they mostly true for all of us, at least us westerners?  For example, I've seen almost all my friends become 'quick to anger' while driving, prolong chivalric sexist behaviors simply for the sake of tradition, gossip about people we care about, and feel sorry for themselves.  I don't consider myself necessarily cruel or clever, though I used to be, and I certainly don't recycle wire hangers.  Do these characteristics make me a bad person?  I don't necessarily think so... (see 'not feeling particularly guilty' above), but they do make me pause and reflect: is this the image of the 'self' I intend to portray to the world?  No?  If not, what does that image look like?  Maybe it looks something more like this:

"I am not a perfect human being by any means, but I do try my hardest in most areas of my life, from relationships, to my job, to my personal health and hygiene; I value a job well-done.  I understand that relationships take work sometimes, and I'm willing and happy to put forth that effort, even when the recipient of my TLC is not very responsive.  I try not to take myself, and especially my shortcomings, too seriously, but I am dedicated to the things that matter most to me, and those are: my marriage, relationships with those I love, intellectual pursuit, writing, traveling, health, and humanitarianism.  My commitment to these fields is evident in my every day, or at least weekly activity, and I live such that I rarely experience regret.  I don't harbor resentment.  I am not jealous.  I voice my opinion, and I'm accepting (and even curious) when others disagree with me, and I am able to take a deep breath and relax, simply relishing the things I hold dear at least once a day." 

Yeah, now there's a description I wished fit me better.  In fact, it's almost like I just exposed all my insecurities by juxtaposing what kind of a person I wish I were to what kind of person I perceive myself to be.  As Anne Lamott says, though, "bird by bird," which means, I'm only able to improve one caveat of my life at a time, and,while it's overwhelming to examine myself so negatively, I know that improvement only comes from self-reflection, and that reflection may have to start out as 'constructive criticism' before I can do anything constructive with it.