I found this on a blog today, and I enjoyed it:
"I have many poor qualities—I drink too much, I am callous and indifferent to the feelings of those around me, I am quick to anger and deficient in patience, I have almost no willingness to follow through on anything that requires more than minimal effort and I can't even work up the energy to feel particularly guilty about that, I will instinctively walk curbside when I am traversing the streets with a woman (apparently this is a sexist thing, which, THANKS A LOT MOM), I am petty and gossipy even about people I quite like, I privilege my own sadness much more highly than those who have much better reasons to be depressed, my first instinct is always to be cruel or clever rather than compassionate or concerned, I don't recycle wire hangers because it is a hassle to fit them in the same bag as the bottles and cans..."
Though I don't feel like ALL of the above things are true of myself, I feel like a lot of them are, and, if we're all completely honest with ourselves, aren't they mostly true for all of us, at least us westerners? For example, I've seen almost all my friends become 'quick to anger' while driving, prolong chivalric sexist behaviors simply for the sake of tradition, gossip about people we care about, and feel sorry for themselves. I don't consider myself necessarily cruel or clever, though I used to be, and I certainly don't recycle wire hangers. Do these characteristics make me a bad person? I don't necessarily think so... (see 'not feeling particularly guilty' above), but they do make me pause and reflect: is this the image of the 'self' I intend to portray to the world? No? If not, what does that image look like? Maybe it looks something more like this:
"I am not a perfect human being by any means, but I do try my hardest in most areas of my life, from relationships, to my job, to my personal health and hygiene; I value a job well-done. I understand that relationships take work sometimes, and I'm willing and happy to put forth that effort, even when the recipient of my TLC is not very responsive. I try not to take myself, and especially my shortcomings, too seriously, but I am dedicated to the things that matter most to me, and those are: my marriage, relationships with those I love, intellectual pursuit, writing, traveling, health, and humanitarianism. My commitment to these fields is evident in my every day, or at least weekly activity, and I live such that I rarely experience regret. I don't harbor resentment. I am not jealous. I voice my opinion, and I'm accepting (and even curious) when others disagree with me, and I am able to take a deep breath and relax, simply relishing the things I hold dear at least once a day."
Yeah, now there's a description I wished fit me better. In fact, it's almost like I just exposed all my insecurities by juxtaposing what kind of a person I wish I were to what kind of person I perceive myself to be. As Anne Lamott says, though, "bird by bird," which means, I'm only able to improve one caveat of my life at a time, and,while it's overwhelming to examine myself so negatively, I know that improvement only comes from self-reflection, and that reflection may have to start out as 'constructive criticism' before I can do anything constructive with it.
♡
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